This is my most personal post. I have questioned whether or not to even share it here, but at the same time, I have recently come to realize that I have some emotional baggage for which I need some kind of outlet. I feel like I cannot share these thoughts with most of my family because I don't know how they would receive it.
My mom passed away in March of 2015. She died suddenly of either a heart attack or stroke and had not had serious health issues prior to the incident. It was a shock. My relationship with my mother had been a bit rocky for the years prior to this because of our differences on religion. My relationship with Mom was more troubled than my relationship with Dad.
There are three reasons for the fracture between Mom and me. First, she could not help herself from dropping comments expressing her views or hinting that she thought I was wrong about things. This didn't just begin when I shed my faith. We had differences on political and social issues for years. For example, Mom did not believe that human-caused climate change was real. She would occasionally drop comments scoffing about climate change in conversations or in correspondence with me. She would later make similar off the cuff comments about the Bible or atheism or whatever points of disagreement. This in and of itself would not have been a big deal. On reflection, I think I was probably just as guilty of dropping comments about things. The problem came when I would try to engage. Mom would toss out the apologetics and reasons she did not think I was right. When I offered counter reasons and arguments, she would get angry. She even hung up the phone on me a couple of times. There was one email exchange related to climate change where Mom challenged the idea of climate science and the ability of scientists to accurately make projections given the fact that they cannot predict the weather accurately more than a day or two into the future. I countered with an analogy that showed there are some situations in which it is easier to make general predictions about the kinds of outcomes one can expect out of a system rather than specific instances within a system. I asked Mom if she thought the analogy made sense. Her reply was very curt, "No." I asked her to explain where the analogy broke down. She said it just does... Well that's not very satisfactory.
We all struggle with emotions when our beliefs are challenged. It can be difficult to admit when we're wrong. And the feeling of cognitive dissonance we experience when we realize that something we deeply believe might have serious logical issues can be very unpleasant. Having said that, I think it is very important that we maintain an open mind to new ideas and to the possibility that anything we believe might be wrong.
This whole business with Mom wouldn't have been such an annoyance if it had not been for the fact that Mom was among the people who suggested from an early age that reason and evidence would lead me to the right conclusions if I was sincere in my pursuit of the truth. I set out to always pursue truth and let the evidence lead me to the conclusions. I don't think Mom was really genuine in her endorsement of this kind of inquiry. She was influenced by C.S. Lewis and other apologetics writers who convinced her that reason would lead to the Christian faith, rightly applied. The difference between me and Mom is that I refused to stop reasoning or engaging with people and ideas simply because my faith was being eroded. If it is not true, I don't want to believe it. Mom valued holding onto her beliefs more than she valued the quest for truth.
I'm sure if Mom were reading this, she would reply something like "Well, there's truth and there's Truth." Well Mom, anyone can assert that the things they believe are "Truth". When you accept a claim as unassailable before you endeavor to seek justification, you have given up on the project of knowing whether or not it is in fact true in any sense. You have resigned yourself to believing something because it feels good.
I hope this wasn't overly harsh. I did love my mom. And I cherish the fact that she did instill in me the desire to seek out truth and to question things. But I think that fact made it all the more hurtful that she was not only unable to take the journey with me, but seemed to feel betrayed when my own journey lead me to different conclusions.
As I write this, my dad is engaged to marry a new woman. I guess this is the reason Mom has been on my mind lately. I don't like having the negative feelings about Mom, but I don't know how to reconcile things. I am glad Dad has been able to move on to a new chapter in his life and find happiness. I hope this post will help me feel some sense of resolution, if only for the fact that I have finally fully articulated these issues.
Thanks for stopping by. I don't know if this will be useful or meaningful for anyone else, but I do think it will be helpful to me.
Gavagai
My mom passed away in March of 2015. She died suddenly of either a heart attack or stroke and had not had serious health issues prior to the incident. It was a shock. My relationship with my mother had been a bit rocky for the years prior to this because of our differences on religion. My relationship with Mom was more troubled than my relationship with Dad.
There are three reasons for the fracture between Mom and me. First, she could not help herself from dropping comments expressing her views or hinting that she thought I was wrong about things. This didn't just begin when I shed my faith. We had differences on political and social issues for years. For example, Mom did not believe that human-caused climate change was real. She would occasionally drop comments scoffing about climate change in conversations or in correspondence with me. She would later make similar off the cuff comments about the Bible or atheism or whatever points of disagreement. This in and of itself would not have been a big deal. On reflection, I think I was probably just as guilty of dropping comments about things. The problem came when I would try to engage. Mom would toss out the apologetics and reasons she did not think I was right. When I offered counter reasons and arguments, she would get angry. She even hung up the phone on me a couple of times. There was one email exchange related to climate change where Mom challenged the idea of climate science and the ability of scientists to accurately make projections given the fact that they cannot predict the weather accurately more than a day or two into the future. I countered with an analogy that showed there are some situations in which it is easier to make general predictions about the kinds of outcomes one can expect out of a system rather than specific instances within a system. I asked Mom if she thought the analogy made sense. Her reply was very curt, "No." I asked her to explain where the analogy broke down. She said it just does... Well that's not very satisfactory.
We all struggle with emotions when our beliefs are challenged. It can be difficult to admit when we're wrong. And the feeling of cognitive dissonance we experience when we realize that something we deeply believe might have serious logical issues can be very unpleasant. Having said that, I think it is very important that we maintain an open mind to new ideas and to the possibility that anything we believe might be wrong.
This whole business with Mom wouldn't have been such an annoyance if it had not been for the fact that Mom was among the people who suggested from an early age that reason and evidence would lead me to the right conclusions if I was sincere in my pursuit of the truth. I set out to always pursue truth and let the evidence lead me to the conclusions. I don't think Mom was really genuine in her endorsement of this kind of inquiry. She was influenced by C.S. Lewis and other apologetics writers who convinced her that reason would lead to the Christian faith, rightly applied. The difference between me and Mom is that I refused to stop reasoning or engaging with people and ideas simply because my faith was being eroded. If it is not true, I don't want to believe it. Mom valued holding onto her beliefs more than she valued the quest for truth.
I'm sure if Mom were reading this, she would reply something like "Well, there's truth and there's Truth." Well Mom, anyone can assert that the things they believe are "Truth". When you accept a claim as unassailable before you endeavor to seek justification, you have given up on the project of knowing whether or not it is in fact true in any sense. You have resigned yourself to believing something because it feels good.
I hope this wasn't overly harsh. I did love my mom. And I cherish the fact that she did instill in me the desire to seek out truth and to question things. But I think that fact made it all the more hurtful that she was not only unable to take the journey with me, but seemed to feel betrayed when my own journey lead me to different conclusions.
As I write this, my dad is engaged to marry a new woman. I guess this is the reason Mom has been on my mind lately. I don't like having the negative feelings about Mom, but I don't know how to reconcile things. I am glad Dad has been able to move on to a new chapter in his life and find happiness. I hope this post will help me feel some sense of resolution, if only for the fact that I have finally fully articulated these issues.
Thanks for stopping by. I don't know if this will be useful or meaningful for anyone else, but I do think it will be helpful to me.
Gavagai
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